Out with the old...

So the phrase is "Out with the old, in with the new" but when your husband is a landscaper and winter is fast-approaching and your grocery budget is $50/week, "new" is not really an option. I had heard that rearranging and redesigning parts of my house would help me take my mind off my grief and give me a fresh start. Boy, was that right! I have spent the last few days cleaning and rearranging anything I could get my hands on and only spent $4 so far. :) There is still a lot I want to do, but it's definitely a start!

The first project I completed was putting Gideon on our entryway wall. I love that his name is in the house. It really validates his life to me and reminds me that I have 3 children. 

Next, was our bedroom. I plan on doing a large painting of some sort on the big blank wall, but for now it reminds me that I have a blank slate ahead of me. I am excited for what God has in store for my future!

I also set up a little memorial for Gideon on my dresser.

The dresser that was in our bedroom is now in Abigail's room, and I cleaned up and organized both of the kid's rooms.

Found someone taking a cat nap...

I'm out for hire if anyone needs their house cleaned or rearranged. ;) I am on a roll!

Gideon was fixed in heaven.

We told Elijah the news yesterday. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: "You know how mama had a baby in her belly? Well, there was something wrong with him and he died and went to heaven."

Elijah: "They fix baby in heaven?"

Out of the mouths of babes. His response brought comfort and joy to my soul.

Today I went searching for a journal to record my thoughts, emotions, and everything I long to say to my precious boy. I also wanted to get a stuffed animal that would be his and one that I could cuddle and remember him by. I found a journal at Lifeway on clearance. Embossed on the front it says, "A Place to Remember... and Never Forget." When I opened up the front cover I knew it was the one for me. The second paragraph of the introduction begins with "Grieving the loss of my son became an intense pilgrimage through a wilderness of sorrow so deep that spending time with the Lord in my journals became critical to my healing process." Does God provide or what?! 

I went to 5 different stores until I found the perfect stuffed animal for Gideon.

As soon as I saw it, it was extremely significant to me for two reasons. I saw myself as the larger dog loving and protecting Gideon, but I also saw the larger dog as God loving and protecting my Gideon in heaven more than I ever could. 

I have a feeling I will be snuggling it for a good while.

My Miscarriage Becomes Real

So due to all the trauma I faced in the ER on Friday, my mind and heart had not been able to process the loss of my baby until last night. There were so many emotions surfacing but I just wanted to deny any of it and continue on with my life. It just seemed that it would be easier that way. I never saw a sonogram of my baby, never heard his/her heartbeat... so why not act like he/she never existed?

Because his life matters.

My sister-in-law, Chrystal, came over last night and her words were invaluable to me. Her second baby, Kyla, was birthed into heaven. She said that when anybody asked me how many children I have, I am to say three. She encouraged me to give my baby a name and talk about my baby. I didn't want to give him a name. I knew that at the point that I did, my miscarriage would become real and the sense of loss that I had been suppressing would overwhelm me. And it did, but it was a good thing.

Gideon Jeremiah Dalton was birthed into the hands of the Lord on November 7, 2014.

I was reading what the Bible says about Gideon this morning and it brought me a lot of encouragement.

Hebrews 11:32 - And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell you about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies.

My sweet son, my third child, has gained what was and is promised to us as Christians. He has an eternal inheritance that far outweighs anything on this earth that I could have given him. His weakness, whatever it was that kept him growing healthy inside of my womb, has been turned to strength.

Judges 6:12 - When the angel of the LORD appeared to Gideon, he said, "The LORD is with you, mighty warrior."

I take comfort today in knowing that my mighty warrior is with the Lord.

A Blood Donor Saved My Life

I had started spotting some Thursday afternoon and feeling a little crampy. As of Monday, I calculated that I was 12 weeks pregnant with our son or daughter. I was worried, but knew that some bleeding in pregnancy was normal. I woke up around midnight with some pretty intense cramping, similar to contraction pain, so I got up and sat on the floor. Around 1:30AM, I felt a popping sensation and blood started flowing. I continued to bleed and kept an eye on it to make sure that I wasn't bleeding too much. I kept looking for my baby, but all I saw were clots. Around 8:30AM after getting off the toilet, I began to feel really light-headed and immediately sat on the ground. I knew it was time to go to the hospital. Keith loaded up the kids as I got dressed and we made our way to River Oaks. I checked myself in and they took me back to the room. I was back there for a while by myself with the nurse until Chrystal came to watch the kids in the lobby so that Keith could join me. (Chrystal, you are amazing for watching 4 kids under 4 years old in an ER lobby! I am truly grateful!) They monitored my blood pressure, heart rate, drew blood, and put an IV of saline into my left arm. They said my blood count looked normal at that point, but I was still bleeding and cramping heavily. We waited for the ultrasound tech who came in an hour or so later who did a sonogram. He looked kind of perplexed and said that he would need to do a vaginal ultrasound since I had never had one with this baby. He did the ultrasound and left the room. An hour later the doctor came in to inform us that no baby was found. All that was seen was a blood-filled uterus. He made it seem like I would go back home and pass the blood and come back in a few days to see if everything was expelled. If not, I would get a D&C. I asked if I could get up and go to the bathroom, and he said yes and left the room. Keith helped me out of bed to walk down the hall. As soon as I got to the door frame I felt faint and slowly fell to the floor. The nurses came running in and got me back in bed. They raised up my feet and I began to feel better, but was sweating like crazy. I had another incident similar about an hour later while sitting in bed. My blood pressure was 55/33. It was at this point that the nurse ordered blood right away and began my first transfusion. It was then they decided that I would go straight to surgery and have the D&C. After they had given me two units of blood I was feeling better but was still bleeding out significantly. Dr. Moses, the OBGYN who did my procedure, came in to check on me and tell me about it. She said since I was bleeding significantly that she would move me before any other patients to get the D&C done as quick as possible. I was rolled shortly after to surgery. I had never been in surgery before or given anesthesia so I was a bit nervous. I also was ready for it because I wanted the bleeding to stop. I remember being in the operating room and my next memory was waking up in the PACU. The nurse said I was asleep for about 30 minutes and that the surgery was over. They rolled me into my hospital room and told me they would monitor me for a while and take my blood around 7PM. If everything looked good, they would release me. Dr. Moses came into the room a few hours later and said that they had to give me a third unit of blood during the procedure because I bled so much. She said "Girl, when you bleed YOU BLEED!" Michael and Anna came by to bring us some food and keep us company. I was starving since I had not eaten anything all day and their presence was just what I needed. The test results came back normal and I was discharged from the hospital at around 8PM last night. I am now home and physically feeling great. My throat is sore from having a tube down it during surgery but no cramping and only minor bleeding. Emotionally, I think I am still in denial or shock. I know that I lost my baby, but because I never saw him/her and never heard his/her heartbeat it makes it difficult. It is like he/she never existed, but I know that God created that perfect baby for such a time as this. I have learned so much through this experience.
Before I started cramping and bleeding on Thursday, I decided to memorize 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. Notice I said BEFORE any of this began. I said it in my mind multiple times when I was scared yesterday.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

God is so timely and so good.

P.S. - I am the new poster child for blood donation.  :) You can bet I will be donating, and you should too!