God Knows Better than Google

It has been an exhausting and emotional few weeks. From financial struggles to Abigail, my two-year old, deciding that sleeping through the night was not "her thing" anymore to news today about Baby Dalton in my womb..... I am one hormonal and mentally and physically fatigued woman.

I'll explain the news I received today by copying my journal entry I wrote down after receiving the call from my nurse, but first I will preface it with what I wrote on May 28, 2015, when I was only four weeks along:

"5-28-15
What do I want from God for this baby? Do I want a perfectly healthy baby or one with challenges that will draw me closer to God? I want whatever will bring me closer to God.
ULTIMATELY.
And I want my baby to love God and His Word more than anything."


"August 28 2015 (18 weeks pregnant!)
Just got a call from Dr. Wolfe's nurse telling me that my blood test came back abnormal. They basically test your hormones for Trisonomy 19, 21 and neural tube defects. Well, my chances have gone up from 1 in 10,000 to 1 in 208 for a neural tube defect. She said our options were to do an amniocentesis or a really thorough ultrasound. She said it was something that needed to be found out prior to delivery because it will affect how I deliver. I've really felt all along that this baby would be different, that God was going to stretch me in ways He had never stretched me before FOR HIS GLORY. My first and foremost desire is to bring Him glory and become more like Him. If having a baby with neural tube defects is the method He has chosen for us, LORD prepare me and help me to accept this precious gift of a baby (abnormalities and all) with open arms and a heart of gratitude. You are worthy of our praise and Your goodness does not depend on our circumstances."

....

So there you have it. I know that blood tests are known to be inaccurate and create false positives all the time. I also know that God never intended for babies to be born with defects. Due to the fallen nature of sinful man, and death entering the world through sin, abnormalities and defects happen, BUT GOD IS SOVEREIGN. I will have my comprehensive ultrasound on September 16. Prayers are appreciated and welcome.

I felt a complete peace when I hung up the phone with the nurse, but then I allowed my mind to wander and began to Google "neural tube defects." That was a mistake. I know from experience that God has way more to say to my spirit than Google could ever conjure up. Only in Him will I find peace.

Family prayer over my belly after getting the news.

For those who don't know, Keith never wanted to find out the sex of any of our babies, but I was insistent. However, I did promise him that once we had a boy and a girl that the next baby would be a surprise. We are not finding out the sex of this baby but we both have a gut feeling that I am carrying a girl. This was my journal post from July 12, 2015:

"Psalm 66:8 - Those living far away fear your wonders; where morning dawns and evening fades you call forth songs of joy.

- Moriah Joy-"

I've known for a while that I wanted to name my next daughter "Moriah." Mount Moriah in the Bible is where Abraham went up to sacrifice his son, Isaac, to the Lord and also where Solomon built the temple of the Lord. Then, one of my dear friends texted me one day and asked if I ever thought of the name "Joy" for a girl. I immediately knew that "Moriah Joy" it was. It is a constant reminder that sacrificing my children to the Lord, giving back to Him what He has so sweetly given me, is JOYFUL. I do not yet know if this baby is "Moriah Joy," but regardless, I know that God's hand is so sensitively and wonderfully forming my preborn baby. His are the most skilled and trustworthy hands in the world. I will trust and boast in Him alone!

 7 week ultrasound

17 week ultrasound

I'll leave you with one of my favorite songs by Shane & Shane with a John Piper message mixed in. It'll be on repeat in my household for a while:

When God Awakens You to Weep

So I prayed last night at the church gathering at our house that God would give us a desire for His Word. I put Abigail down to bed late and didn't get into bed, myself, until around 11 but I had a desire to read the Word before I went to bed. I read some in my daily Bible reading and a few other verses and then fell asleep. I just woke up from an intense dream. The kind where you are crying in your dream and you wake up to realize you are literally crying. I woke up praying and weeping asking God to save people's souls. There were a few particular people in my dream but when I woke up so many people rushed into my head and I began to pray for them as I wept. It's on my heart so big to encourage people to work out their salvation with fear and trembling. Salvation is not something we conjure up ourselves by going to a church building or praying every now and then. Salvation is a work of transformation done only by the Holy Spirit. Oh, I pray God brings us to our knees in humility and repentance. The time is drawing near where we will see how truly narrow the way is and how few truly find it. May we fall on our faces before the Righteous and Holy God before time is out.

Hebrews 3:13 "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."

Sin is so deceitful. Even as Christians, we justify our sin and keep it hidden in our pockets as our secret admirer. This cannot be.

1 John 2:3-6 "We know that we have come to know Him if we obey His commands. The man who says 'I know Him,' but does not do what He commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys His Word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in Him: Whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did."

I pray that the Lord spiritually awakens the Church from their slumber and complacent Christian lives and that He continues to literally wake me up weeping for the lost. There is nothing like having a hunger for His Word and being used by Him for His glory! That is the only thing that matters in this life.