His Mercies are New Every Morning

SO much has happened since my last blog post. Baby Ezekiel was born via c-section (and I survived it without having a panic attack in the OR!), he had two surgeries in the first two weeks of his life, spent 4 weeks in the NICU, and has been growing, growing, growing! He currently weighs 12.5 lbs and is 22 inches long (and has a FULL head of hair if you haven't noticed!)

God has taught me so much in Ezekiel's short life. Spending a month in the NICU was tough, but it is amazing how God's mercies were new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). He gave me the strength I needed for each day. Many times the past month that I have had Ezekiel home, I will have moments when I begin to relive what all I experienced with Ezekiel that first month. I didn't get to have him in the hospital room with me after birth, I could not hold him until he was 4 weeks old, I had to leave my baby in the hands of physicians and see him come back with 3 different incisions on his tiny body, I had to leave my baby in the hospital after I was discharged, I had to exclusively pump because I was not allowed to breastfeed him until I could hold him.... the list can go on and on. Many things will trigger all the emotions surrounding the events of Ezekiel's life. One of them happened today. Yesterday, my sweet nephew, Caleb, was born and the kids and I went up to the hospital to meet him. While holding that sweet, new baby I almost burst into tears. I was reminded that I never had the chance to hold Ezekiel when he was that little. 

Then I had an epiphany.

I realized that when I begin to relive all these events and emotions, I am reliving them without the grace and mercy God had given me the day it happened. I realized just how much God had strengthened me in the moment and how detrimental my mindset would've been had He not supplied His goodness in my time of need. He is so, so good.

Hebrews 4:16 says "Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

In our time of need, He is there to give us mercy and grace. Great is our God and worthy of worship!

So now, when anything triggers my mind to look back on the events of Ezekiel's first couple of weeks of life (or any traumatic event for that matter) -- instead of dwelling on the emotions that surface as a result, I fix my eyes on Jesus and thank Him for the mercy and grace He gave me during those times... looking to the future knowing that no matter what hardships come my way, He will always be there with His supply of grace and mercy to meet my needs for that specific time.

And God's people said: AMEN!

A Letter to My Son on His "Birth" Day

I'm pretty sure it is literally an impossibility to get a good night's rest the night before you have a scheduled delivery. So, so, so many emotions and scenarios play tricks with your mind as adrenaline pumps through your body! With that being said, I have woken up every hour tonight thinking about what tomorrow will be like. I have to be at the hospital at 6AM. Right now it is currently 3:47AM so time is ticking away! 

I decided to share a letter I wrote to Ezekiel. I wrote the majority of it back in October, but added some things to it this morning. Here it goes:

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My precious Ezekiel,

This is what Romans 9:20 says: "But who are you, mere human being, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to the One who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'"

PLEASE don't ever question God. I pray that you would be filled with gratitude every day of your life simply because God formed you, and He has an amazing plan and purpose for the way He has formed you. I know that it will be difficult being different, but I am praying even while you are in my womb that you always revere God as a Good & Perfect Creator - one who DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES. I pray that these Truths resonate deep within your soul from birth... And that you let NOTHING shake you. Many, many people are praying and believing that today, to the doctor's amazement, you will be completely healed without any sign of spina bifida ever defecting your small frame. We know and believe that God is the Great Physician and this is not beyond His power or ability, BUT instead of seeking only your healing, we choose to seek God's Will. For we know that it is not just in healing that God's power is put on display, but that any kind of weakness or disability we have can be used as a tool to show how POWERFUL our God truly is! Ezekiel, it is when we boast in our infirmities and weaknesses that God's strength rests upon us for the world to see! So again, I pray that you are filled with confidence from the moment you exit my womb today: A confidence found only in the Truth of God's Word. A confidence that cannot be cut down by other people's words, actions, or the schemes of the devil. A confidence that CANNOT be shaken. 

See you in a few hours!

-Mom