My Recipe for the People-Pleasing, Non-Confrontational, Anxious, & Fearful Mind

We just finished a long weekend of activism and ministry at the Abolish Human Abortion: Project Nineveh conference in Jackson. I'm about to open up a big can of "Welcome to Amber's super personal life," which is pretty much what this entire blog encompasses.... so I guess you are prepared.

CONFESSION: I, Amber Dalton, am one of the most introverted, people-pleasing, and non-confrontational people you will ever meet. Most people have an opinion on our methods and stance with Abolish Human Abortion, and it's usually not a positive one. This clearly causes a major clash with my nature (listed above). Anytime I do not get positive feedback from people on something that I am doing, I tend to get super anxious, and I try to get away from the confrontation. This, however, is not the way the Word of God tells me to be.

Galatians 1:10 - Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

1 Thessalonians 2:4 - On the contrary, we speak as those approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts.

There was a documentary crew filming us this weekend called "The Last Clinic." A very wise woman told me yesterday to not even watch what they put online. She said it would be a waste of emotional energy and time. She said that the only camera that I need to worry about getting me on film is God's. As long as what I am doing is soundly backed by Scripture, and I know that I will stand before God one day to give an account, running from confrontation should not be my instinct.

On Sunday, Satan did a real number on me. I was overwhelmed by fear. The gets-your-stomach-in-knots-and-you-can't-eat fear. Two nights in a row Keith was out at the local strip clubs pleading with men to repent and stop objectifying women. One of those nights a well-known gang (like rough, scary, bearded, bulky men) came up and began threatening Keith's and the other people's lives that were with him. I am at peace with the possibility of Keith dying because of his faith. We have already talked about him going to China to smuggle Bibles and do things that would put his life in danger. I've told him that the only way he could leave me on this earth with our children by myself is by dying while proclaiming the Gospel. A car wreck or illness ain't gonna fly! (God's will be done, of course. I ultimately want whatever brings Him the most glory!) So why was I overcome with fear, you ask? Well, while I was giving the kids a bath, I began to envision a hostile group barging into my house and doing something to them. I could not even fathom it. I got them out of the bath tub and began to blare praise and worship music. I knew that I needed God to speak to me through His Word. I happened to open right up to Psalm (which is a great book to read when you are fearful of your enemies by the way!) I read Psalm 137 and nothing really stood out at me, but it is amazing what simply reading Truth from the Scriptures does to your soul! I began reading Psalm 138. Here are some verses that stood out to me:

Psalm 138:3 - On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased.

Psalm 138:7 - Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me.

Psalm 138:8 - The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.

That last verse you may remember from a prior blog post when we were dealing with the adoption situation. It was so neat for the Lord to remind me that His purpose is being fulfilled for me! He knows all of these situations I will be in before I ever know. He has every day of my life written in His book. Psalm 139:16 - Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

The very wise woman I spoke of earlier also told me that in dealing with my fear, I cannot protect what happens from the outside, but I CAN protect what happens from the inside (my thoughts). Once I stop using all my emotional energy trying to play through every scenario that could endanger my children, the more I can start digging into God's Word and praying to surrender whatever happens outside to God.

So if you made it through this long post about everything that is going on in the mind of Amber, I will leave you with my recipe for dealing with everything that I just mentioned going on in my head.

MY RECIPE FOR DEALING WITH EVERYTHING I MENTIONED IN THIS BLOG POST:
(The non-confrontational nature, the anxiety trying to please people, the fear of repercussions from bringing Truth to the scariest of places)

1. Read my Bible daily
2. Pray without ceasing and with my husband daily
3. Anytime anxiety or fear begins to sneak in, take it captive head-on by fixing my eyes on Jesus (whether that be through singing praises at the top of my lungs, reading and proclaiming the Truth of God's Word, or silent prayer)


Praying for any of you that may deal with any of these things that I mentioned. Always remember that the Word of God is our sword (Hebrews 4:12, Ephesians 6:17). It is our weapon against the enemy who is actively seeking to destroy us! Press on, brothers and sisters! PRESS ON!

Update on Life!

Again, you will hear me apologizing for my lack of consistency in blog land. I am horrible at this. I know.

First off, I am sure all of you are wondering what is happening with the whole adoption thing. It unfortunately (well, I say that but if it wasn't God's will then there is nothing "unfortunate" about it) didn't work out. Various things happened and the girl decided she was going to find another family to adopt her baby. Yes, I was heartbroken. Yes, I still imagine a series of miraculous events and us still having that baby in April. But ultimately, I TRUST GOD. He has never failed me before, and He certainly won't fail me now!

In other news, Keith and I have been doing a lot of travelling lately. I went to Texas three weekends ago to visit my folks, we both went with the kiddos to New Orleans for an Operation Save America leadership conference two weekends ago, and last weekend we went to Florida (sans children) to an Abolish Human Abortion conference. I actually really enjoy all the travelling but am really glad to sleep in my own bed and get back to the daily grind for a while. In college when I would dream about my perfect husband, I always pictured some hot-shot Christian music artist who would go on tour and I would get to travel with him. Keith is not a hot-shot Christian music artist (well, I mean, he IS in a Christian metal band (Exhortation)... they just haven't reached the "hot-shot" stage.... yet...) - did you see that, Keith? I just advertised for your band on my blog! You can pay me later. I accept the following forms of payment: foot massage, trip to the thrift store, sit-down dinner, changing Abigail's diaper.... you catch my drift! :)
but God still answered my prayer to travel and do ministry with him. Wives, I encourage you to do ministry with your husbands (and your children!)! It will be such a blessing in your marriage!

At war against the powers and principalities in their camo!

College campus on the way to Florida.

This has got to be one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE pictures of my mom. I love the way she loves my children. 

Speaking of marriage, I just started reading Francis and Lisa Chan's new book called "You and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity." It is SO GOOD. I will probably be putting excerpts on here in the next couple of days. Never mind, not going to say that considering my current track record.

On another note, you remember that one time you went to Target in Texas and someone stole your wallet that was attached to your car keys and your dad had just given you like $500?
Oh that's right. I forgot. That was ME!
So yeah, my dad had just paid me for some work I did. He gave me about $250 in cash and then a $250 American Express rewards card (which thankfully we were able to report stolen and recoup). I walk in to Target, buy some stuff, pick my sleeping boy up out of the cart, walk out the door, put him in the car, sit down to start the car, and.... no wallet or keys! I look everywhere. My dad comes and looks everywhere. We get the head security guy to look on the camera. This is what he saw....

Ignore the fact that it's a security camera still-shot and looks like I am stealing this little boy. I promise he is mine!!

If you look to the left, you will see a large rectangular object sticking out of my pocket. That happens to be my wallet which I assume falls out shortly after I leave the store. So if you happened to pick up that Vera Bradley wallet with some van keys and Planet Fitness ID tags at the Target in Longview, Texas, message me and I will send you my address! (was worth a shot!)

So, my van was stranded in Texas. In a Target parking lot. We had to go to the Police Station to file a police report. We had to somehow find some sort of picture ID of me so that we could get a new key made for the van (my dad happened to find a Lifetouch "ID" from my junior year of High School... granted I've put on a pound or twenty since then.) Then, instead of paying the dealership $200 to program the key, my dad and I youtubed it. It was pretty much the easiest thing ever. 

If you ever need a key programmed, "Mike Peery & Daughter's Programming Company" will be up and running shortly. 

We ended up getting everything situated. I got my car back and yesterday got a new license. It's $24 to renew by the way! Geez, thieves! 

My dad ended up sending me the sweetest letter in the mail after everything went down, and I got back home. The quality time that we got to spend together looking frantically for my wallet, getting patted down at the Police Station, re-programming the key to my van, and receiving that handwritten letter was priceless and well worth all the hassle. I would easily pay way more than $500 to do it all over again if I could. :)

That's all for now! Man, I forget how much I like this blogging thing. I should do this more often! ;)

It's an Emotional Life.

It seems like so much has happened since I miscarried Gideon. For those of you who do not know, my husband and I do a lot of ministry in the area of abortion (if you couldn't tell from previous posts). We are the leaders of the Jackson Abolitionist Society and desire to see abortion completely abolished in all circumstances in every part of the world, with our target being America and more specifically Mississippi. Keith (my husband) was up at the abortion clinic on December 3 and recognized one of the women going in for consultation. She came to our previous church every now and then on Wednesday nights. He began talking with her and pleading with her not to kill her baby. He told her we would adopt. She went in the clinic. I got her number from a friend and texted her. She ended up telling us that we could adopt her baby. We were thrilled! I took her to the doctor last week and we found out she is having a girl at the end of April. So many emotions have been going through my mind. I can picture myself holding that sweet baby girl in the Spring, around the exact same time Gideon would've been born. The mom is now having second thoughts about the adoption. From the very beginning, I tried to not let myself set my hopes on getting the baby. I have memorized Psalm 138:8 and Isaiah 26:3 during this time. Psalm 138:8 says that the Lord WILL FULFILL His purpose for me. I apply that to my life in that if God wants me to have this baby, then I WILL have this baby. Nothing can thwart God's ultimate plan! Isaiah 26:3 says "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in You." God will keep me at peace, no matter how crazy my emotions get or how unsteady life seems. As long as I keep my mind steadfast and make sure ALL of my trust is in Him, I will be at peace with anything that happens in my life.
When she first offered us her baby, I was thrilled simply because of the idea that God would be giving me the baby I lost back. The more I thought about it, the more I want this baby so that I can teach her about Jesus. I know that my biological children will grow up in the ways and knowledge of the Lord, but I do not know that for this baby. God has already given us such a love for this child. Regardless of what happens in this particular situation, I know that God has definitely used this to show Keith and I how much we desire to adopt/foster children in the future. Every child deserves to grow up in a home that shows them the love of God because God has adopted us. When we adopt these children, we are able to understand more fully what God did for us! It's powerful!


Please keep us in your prayers. The adoption lawyer will be in town on January 15, so we need the mom to make a solidified decision by the first of the year so that we can raise funds to pay the lawyer and do a home study. Pray that the mom would come to know Jesus in a real way and that she surrenders her life to Him. Pray that God's will be done!

Sonogram of sweet baby girl due April 2015

Out with the old...

So the phrase is "Out with the old, in with the new" but when your husband is a landscaper and winter is fast-approaching and your grocery budget is $50/week, "new" is not really an option. I had heard that rearranging and redesigning parts of my house would help me take my mind off my grief and give me a fresh start. Boy, was that right! I have spent the last few days cleaning and rearranging anything I could get my hands on and only spent $4 so far. :) There is still a lot I want to do, but it's definitely a start!

The first project I completed was putting Gideon on our entryway wall. I love that his name is in the house. It really validates his life to me and reminds me that I have 3 children. 

Next, was our bedroom. I plan on doing a large painting of some sort on the big blank wall, but for now it reminds me that I have a blank slate ahead of me. I am excited for what God has in store for my future!

I also set up a little memorial for Gideon on my dresser.

The dresser that was in our bedroom is now in Abigail's room, and I cleaned up and organized both of the kid's rooms.

Found someone taking a cat nap...

I'm out for hire if anyone needs their house cleaned or rearranged. ;) I am on a roll!

Gideon was fixed in heaven.

We told Elijah the news yesterday. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: "You know how mama had a baby in her belly? Well, there was something wrong with him and he died and went to heaven."

Elijah: "They fix baby in heaven?"

Out of the mouths of babes. His response brought comfort and joy to my soul.

Today I went searching for a journal to record my thoughts, emotions, and everything I long to say to my precious boy. I also wanted to get a stuffed animal that would be his and one that I could cuddle and remember him by. I found a journal at Lifeway on clearance. Embossed on the front it says, "A Place to Remember... and Never Forget." When I opened up the front cover I knew it was the one for me. The second paragraph of the introduction begins with "Grieving the loss of my son became an intense pilgrimage through a wilderness of sorrow so deep that spending time with the Lord in my journals became critical to my healing process." Does God provide or what?! 

I went to 5 different stores until I found the perfect stuffed animal for Gideon.

As soon as I saw it, it was extremely significant to me for two reasons. I saw myself as the larger dog loving and protecting Gideon, but I also saw the larger dog as God loving and protecting my Gideon in heaven more than I ever could. 

I have a feeling I will be snuggling it for a good while.

My Miscarriage Becomes Real

So due to all the trauma I faced in the ER on Friday, my mind and heart had not been able to process the loss of my baby until last night. There were so many emotions surfacing but I just wanted to deny any of it and continue on with my life. It just seemed that it would be easier that way. I never saw a sonogram of my baby, never heard his/her heartbeat... so why not act like he/she never existed?

Because his life matters.

My sister-in-law, Chrystal, came over last night and her words were invaluable to me. Her second baby, Kyla, was birthed into heaven. She said that when anybody asked me how many children I have, I am to say three. She encouraged me to give my baby a name and talk about my baby. I didn't want to give him a name. I knew that at the point that I did, my miscarriage would become real and the sense of loss that I had been suppressing would overwhelm me. And it did, but it was a good thing.

Gideon Jeremiah Dalton was birthed into the hands of the Lord on November 7, 2014.

I was reading what the Bible says about Gideon this morning and it brought me a lot of encouragement.

Hebrews 11:32 - And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell you about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies.

My sweet son, my third child, has gained what was and is promised to us as Christians. He has an eternal inheritance that far outweighs anything on this earth that I could have given him. His weakness, whatever it was that kept him growing healthy inside of my womb, has been turned to strength.

Judges 6:12 - When the angel of the LORD appeared to Gideon, he said, "The LORD is with you, mighty warrior."

I take comfort today in knowing that my mighty warrior is with the Lord.

A Blood Donor Saved My Life

I had started spotting some Thursday afternoon and feeling a little crampy. As of Monday, I calculated that I was 12 weeks pregnant with our son or daughter. I was worried, but knew that some bleeding in pregnancy was normal. I woke up around midnight with some pretty intense cramping, similar to contraction pain, so I got up and sat on the floor. Around 1:30AM, I felt a popping sensation and blood started flowing. I continued to bleed and kept an eye on it to make sure that I wasn't bleeding too much. I kept looking for my baby, but all I saw were clots. Around 8:30AM after getting off the toilet, I began to feel really light-headed and immediately sat on the ground. I knew it was time to go to the hospital. Keith loaded up the kids as I got dressed and we made our way to River Oaks. I checked myself in and they took me back to the room. I was back there for a while by myself with the nurse until Chrystal came to watch the kids in the lobby so that Keith could join me. (Chrystal, you are amazing for watching 4 kids under 4 years old in an ER lobby! I am truly grateful!) They monitored my blood pressure, heart rate, drew blood, and put an IV of saline into my left arm. They said my blood count looked normal at that point, but I was still bleeding and cramping heavily. We waited for the ultrasound tech who came in an hour or so later who did a sonogram. He looked kind of perplexed and said that he would need to do a vaginal ultrasound since I had never had one with this baby. He did the ultrasound and left the room. An hour later the doctor came in to inform us that no baby was found. All that was seen was a blood-filled uterus. He made it seem like I would go back home and pass the blood and come back in a few days to see if everything was expelled. If not, I would get a D&C. I asked if I could get up and go to the bathroom, and he said yes and left the room. Keith helped me out of bed to walk down the hall. As soon as I got to the door frame I felt faint and slowly fell to the floor. The nurses came running in and got me back in bed. They raised up my feet and I began to feel better, but was sweating like crazy. I had another incident similar about an hour later while sitting in bed. My blood pressure was 55/33. It was at this point that the nurse ordered blood right away and began my first transfusion. It was then they decided that I would go straight to surgery and have the D&C. After they had given me two units of blood I was feeling better but was still bleeding out significantly. Dr. Moses, the OBGYN who did my procedure, came in to check on me and tell me about it. She said since I was bleeding significantly that she would move me before any other patients to get the D&C done as quick as possible. I was rolled shortly after to surgery. I had never been in surgery before or given anesthesia so I was a bit nervous. I also was ready for it because I wanted the bleeding to stop. I remember being in the operating room and my next memory was waking up in the PACU. The nurse said I was asleep for about 30 minutes and that the surgery was over. They rolled me into my hospital room and told me they would monitor me for a while and take my blood around 7PM. If everything looked good, they would release me. Dr. Moses came into the room a few hours later and said that they had to give me a third unit of blood during the procedure because I bled so much. She said "Girl, when you bleed YOU BLEED!" Michael and Anna came by to bring us some food and keep us company. I was starving since I had not eaten anything all day and their presence was just what I needed. The test results came back normal and I was discharged from the hospital at around 8PM last night. I am now home and physically feeling great. My throat is sore from having a tube down it during surgery but no cramping and only minor bleeding. Emotionally, I think I am still in denial or shock. I know that I lost my baby, but because I never saw him/her and never heard his/her heartbeat it makes it difficult. It is like he/she never existed, but I know that God created that perfect baby for such a time as this. I have learned so much through this experience.
Before I started cramping and bleeding on Thursday, I decided to memorize 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. Notice I said BEFORE any of this began. I said it in my mind multiple times when I was scared yesterday.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

God is so timely and so good.

P.S. - I am the new poster child for blood donation.  :) You can bet I will be donating, and you should too!