The Most Comprehensive C-Section Hospital Bag Blog Post EVER.

Okay, ladies. This is a BIG one and such a relief that I have my bags packed! Only three more weeks until my scheduled c-section, and I feel like the most unprepared (yet overly-prepared) woman at the same time! After scouring Google, Pinterest, and getting advice from Facebook friends and other mamas who have been there, I finally completed packing my bag for the hospital. PLEASE tell me if you think I am missing something! ;) We moms gotta help each other out!

These are not in any kind of number order, and you may notice that some of the items in my bag are different than what other mamas are packing. I will explain in further detail why I incorporated some of my items. So, here goes nothing:

1. Photo ID, Insurance cards, small stack of cash (for vending machines/parking), gum, and a planner - Why the planner? When I met with the neonatologist (hope I'm spelling that right!), she said that bringing a planner is a very good idea for mamas with babies who will be in the NICU. This way I can easily document what happens on what days with all of his surgeries and development. AND it's super cute!

2. Phone (of which I was using to take the picture at the time), IPAD, and all necessary chargers.

3. Travel-size toiletries, chapstick (apparently it's real dry in the hospital), facial wipes, bobbie pins, ponytail holders (which were more necessary when I had my luscious long locks yesterday.. but I digress), and a stylin' headband of course!

4. This is definitely my husband's favorite part of my hospital bag. Oreos (because what mama who just birthed a baby doesn't deserve oreos?!), fruit leather, Kind fruit/nut bars, honey roasted peanuts, and a HUGE water bottle. I made sure to choose some snacks that were high in fiber to help with getting everything moving again post-surgery. I also wanted to make sure I forced myself to drink water like it was going out of style to help in recovery.

5. Because Ezekiel has an open lesion on his back, he will have to remain on his tummy until after he recovers from his back repair surgery. Needless to say, this breastfeeding mama will be pumping for that first week or so! I was gifted by my mama with a speCtra breast pump, and I am super PUMPED (heh, get it?) about using it! I also have a nursing cover, breast pads, nipple cream, storage bags, and an Itz Been timer so I can remember which side I last pumped and how long it has been since my last session.

6. Here I have a polka dot night gown with buttons for easy pumping access, a nursing tank and comfy pajama pants, a robe from Pink Blush Maternity, nursing bras, and an abdominal binder. I would not have even worried about bringing my own gowns/tanks and pants, but I will not be staying in my hospital room with my baby like most mamas. I will be frequenting the NICU (as soon as my legs can walk again!) and would rather look at least somewhat human. :)

7. Flip flops for showering, comfy slip-on slippers to walk to and from the NICU, and fuzzy socks because they are soft and comfy.

8. My own pillow that is thicker than one centimeter and a blanket that I made on Shutterfly to remind me that God will strengthen my baby!

9. (This one is a doozy. The aftermath of childbirth ain't pretty, people!) Depends Silhouette -- yes, adult diapers -- because I will be walking to and from the NICU and heard RAVE REVIEWS about these from mamas who have been there-done that, some super large granny panties, and stool softener.

10. A diffuser and essential oils because they are essential to healing and to making the hospital room I will be living in for a few days not smell so hospital-y.

11. A Christian coloring book for adults (I'm super excited about it!) and my ESV journaling Bible with markers.

12. I know most mamas are packing a separate bag for their babies, but the only thing I am bringing for Ezekiel is this book that my sweet friend bought for him. He will be staying in the NICU longer than I will be in the hospital so all of his needs will be taken care of (minus the nourishment my breastmilk will provide!) I look forward to being able to read this to him while he lays there all sweet and cute.


Yep. So that's it, folks! It's all getting so real now. I am exactly three weeks out until I get to meet the most anticipated baby of my life thus far! Whom, as of today, weighs approximately 5lb 9oz.

COME ON, JANUARY!!!

Not Your Typical Wedding Anniversary Letter

Today marks Keith's and my (mine and Keith's? Grammatical accuracy is currently not computing in my brain at the moment) 5th year wedding anniversary. 5 years. That's crazy. That means I've been married to him for 157,785,000 seconds just so you know.


Anyways, I typically will write him a letter for our anniversary and do a little craft of some sort. I wanted to make this letter public because I feel it's something more women should be saying to their husbands. Many people will think this is totally weird and out-of-the-ordinary, but I believe that's how we as Christians should live our lives. Strange and set apart for Jesus!

Here it goes:

_________________________________________________

My dearest husband,

Wow. Five years! Four kids! And more good times, hardships, and growth than I can count. You are one of the greatest blessings in my life, and I cannot imagine my life with anyone else. We have grown so much in our relationships with God since we were married - it really astounds me! He continues to be so faithful in sanctifying us- ALL glory to Him! With that said, I know we can be growing and doing so much more! Compared to most other husbands, you outshine them all when it comes to spiritually leading our family but I WANT MORE. I don't say this to demean you, I say it as ENCOURAGEMENT! I want you to know that I AM READY for you to take the leadership role of our family to the next level! I know that it will take a lot of support on my part and a lot of work on your part, but it will be SO WORTH IT! I also know the only way this will work is if we are both constantly immersing ourselves in the Word of God. I want you to make changes that you see necessary. If you want to go preaching every night for 3 hours with/without us - It's a DONE DEAL. If you want us to start honoring the Sabbath - It's a DONE DEAL. If you want to smash our television - It's a DONE DEAL. The thing I DO NOT WANT is for you to feel conviction on something and just talk about it. We both need the daily reminder of our purpose in this short life, and we need to instill this within our children starting NOW - no matter what "inconveniences" must happen as a result. Let's face it: A life not COMPLETELY surrendered to the LORD is miserable at best. Let's not feed our laziness anymore. PLEASE lead me out of this lazy and lukewarm lifestyle. Wake me up at 5AM to read and pray. I NEED YOU TO LEAD ME. Take up your rightful position as head over me and our family, and I will be sure to give you the respect and support you SO MUCH DESERVE!

I can't wait to see what God has in store for our family as we surrender to Him!
The best is yet to come!

Thanks for a wonderful 5 YEARS!

Love,
Amber

________________________________________________

There you have it. Ladies, give your husbands their rightful positions in your family. Encourage them, support them, and respect them as they begin to lead. It's amazing the freedom that comes in surrender!

The number 5 depicting some of the most memorable times of our lives :)

My Son Has a Neurosurgeon.

My son has a neurosurgeon.

That is a possibility that never, ever entered my mind. I had a miscarriage in November, but other than that, I have two extremely healthy kids. I can literally count on one hand the number of times I  have had to take either of them to the doctor (one being when we rushed Elijah to the ER only to find out all he had was a crick in his neck.. but that's a story for another day!)

God has been so gracious to me this entire pregnancy by preparing me for each step right before I need to take it. I knew from the beginning that this baby would be different in some way. I figured maybe he/she would have autism or some kind of learning disorder, but I never in a million years thought it would be something that would require him/her to have a neurosurgeon.  It is still really crazy to wrap my mind around.

With that being said, Keith and I met Ezekiel's neurosurgeon today. He was super nice and down to earth. We both like him a lot! He could not give us a whole lot of new information just because a lot of the differences/difficulties that come with Spina Bifida are so varied depending on the child. He did say he is pretty sure that Ezekiel will need to have a VP shunt put in (which is basically a catheter that runs from his brain down into his abdomen to drain spinal fluid) because his ventricles are measuring larger than normal. He reassured us that the level of his lesion is in the low lumbar/sacral region which means that his mobility should be pretty good. He said that they will do the closure surgery on his back 48-72 hours after he is born and may do the shunt at the same time if one is necessary. He was able to show us some of the MRI images and those are amazing! I have attached a few to show where his lesion is (I outlined it to make it easier to see) and also to show how his brain extends back into his neck which is called a Chiari II malformation. Dr. Shiflett said this usually does not cause problems in children, but it could cause seizures. Basically, it is all a waiting game until January when he gets here!

Dr. Shiflett noticed in the MRI (and we have seen in the ultrasounds as well) that Ezekiel constantly has his hand on his lesion. I guess he think it's some kind of play-toy or he uses it as his security blanket. I asked Dr. Shiflett if this could make his lesion worse and he said very sweetly: "Well, I don't know, but there's nothing we can do about it!" :) Good point! 

So... a few days ago, God had me read Philippians 4:12-13:

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength."

I absolutely love how LIVING and ACTIVE the Word of God is. I cannot tell you how many times I have read Philippians 4:13 and have had it memorized since I was a kid in VBS, but reading it in context the other day was a game-changer for me. Most of the time you see this verse on Cross Country shirts or as some kind of athletic department slogan, but what Paul is really talking about is CONTENTMENT. God has shown me that I have a major lacking in this area. Whether it be grumbling about our A/C being out for the third time this year, or standing in front of my mirror depressed because none of my clothes seem to make my big, pregnant body look attractive, or being perplexed that my unborn son has a neurosurgeon... the lesson for me to learn and that God is so sweetly and gently showing me is this:

I CAN BE CONTENT IN THE MOST MUNDANE OR DIFFICULT SITUATIONS BECAUSE I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.

When the A/C is out and it is 81 degrees in our normally 69 degrees house (don't judge!) - I CAN be content because I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!

When I feel like a beached whale and none of my clothes fit like I want them to - I CAN be content because I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!

and

When my unborn son is diagnosed with the most common permanently-disabling birth defect and has his own neurosurgeon - I CAN be content because I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!


Whatever may be plaguing you today, whether big or small, just continue to speak this Truth to yourself: You CAN be content because you can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you!

Nesting, Test Results, and a Family Photoshoot

My rainy today consisted of cleaning up pee all over the kitchen floor and carpets (I have 10 weeks to potty train Abigail. Yikes.) and nesting in the form of moving the crib out of Abigail's room and into our room. I can't believe I'll be full-term in 10 weeks. 10 WEEKS!!

____________________________

So.. I received an email this weekend that a new test result had shown up in my UMMC chart online. I quickly checked to see and it was, in fact, my MRI test results! I opened up the results to see nothing but a whole bunch of medical jargon that meant absolutely nothing to me. There were literally like 2-3 words that I understood: such as cleft palate. I think I will mention to the hospital that they should have a TRANSLATE button at the bottom of all medical test results/diagnosis in order for this important information to be quickly and easily translated into terms we lay-people can understand. :) 

Let's see how your medical jargon translator works:

"There is a mild prominence of the supratentorial ventricular system with trans-atrial measurement on left side measuring 1.3 cm and on the right side measuring 1.2 cm. No transpendymal flow of CSF is noted. There appears to be dysgenesis of corpus callosum with evidence of colpocephaly. Posterior fossa is seen with evidence of warp around cerebellum. There is herniation of the cerebellar tonsils through the foramen magnum. There is no evidence of intracranial hemorrhage. No acute infarct is seen. No encephaloceles are noted. Nuchal fold thickness is unremarkable. Globes are intact with normally located senses. No cleft palate/cleft lip is seen with normal appearing bilateral nostrils. There is a large spinal dysraphic defect involving lower lumbar and upper sacral spine with defect measuring 21.3 mm in craniocaudad dimension and 11.7-mm in maxium transverse dimension. Well-circumscribed T2 hyperintense collection is seen overlying the spinal dysraphic defect with linear soft tissue density likely representing a nerve root noted along the superior aspect of the defect. Conus medullaris appears to be normal. IMPRESSION: Mild ventriculomegaly with dysgensis of corpus callosum and small posterior fossa with herniation of the cerebellar tonsils. Spinal dysraphic defect involving lower lumbar and upper sacral spine with evidence of meningomyeloele which measures 2.1 cm in carniocaudad dimension. Findings are consistent with diagnosis of Arnold-Chiari II malformation."

I've learned pretty quickly in having a child with a medical defect that GOOGLE IS YOUR WORST ENEMY but online community groups, specifically for mothers of children with a certain disability or medical issue, are INVALUABLE. So I copied and pasted the jargon on a few social media sites and within minutes I received feedback like: 

"In my opinion, it says all normal for a baby with SB!! Big takeaways: lower lumbar/sacral lesion (this is good!). slight signs of hydro (normal for SB). Arnold-Chiari II malformation (normal for SB)"

"A very typical case of Spina bifida with nothing at all alarming or out of the ordinary."

"Sound pretty normal and actually pretty good for SB."

My Maternal/Fetal Medicine doctor had mentioned during the ultrasounds that he could not find the corpus callosum (part of the brain that sends signals from left to right). They agreed in the MRI that Ezekiel is missing all or some parts of this part of his brain. I have heard from other parents of children with SB that this could be completely asymptomatic or could cause problems with vision, hearing, motor skills, swallowing, gaining weight, etc. That is what is so crazy about Spina bifida... no two children (even with the exact same diagnosis) have the same outward symptoms when born! Hence why they call SB the "Snowflake Defect." ... And hence why I have never felt SO KNOWLEDGEABLE yet SO UNPREPARED for something in my entire life!
But my feeling of unpreparedness is actually a blessing because it reminds me that everything is out of my control. It helps me surrender EVERYTHING about this child to God! Ezekiel is HIS CHILD anyway!

______________________

We went to Texas this weekend and had a family photo shoot in our "God Doesn't Make Mistakes" shirts. I feel so blessed to have such a supportive and encouraging family and group of friends in all of this! Don't know what I would do without any of you!

Shirts are still available to order through November 8th! www.booster.com/Goddoesntmakemistakes

MRI apparently stands for "Miserable, Restrictive, and Irritating"

As many of you know Ezekiel had his fetal MRI yesterday, which means this mama was stuck in the science fiction-like human scanner for 25 minutes. If you've never had an MRI, especially having an MRI while 25 weeks pregnant, you're probably thinking: "25 minutes. That's not a big deal. Come on, Amber. Stop exaggerating with the whole 'Miserable, Restrictive, and Irritating' title."

No, I am for real.

Miserable - The small cot that they slide you into the white tube on had about an inch worth of padding, which would've been fine but......
If you've never been pregnant, let me fill you in on a little something: LAYING ON YOUR BACK IS THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE POSITION EVER (well, I suppose flat on your stomach could be worse... so maybe I should look at the bright side!)

Restrictive - They literally strap you to the cot! I could not move my arms at all, and was kind of scared to move anything really. Before you have the MRI, you have to sign this super long sheet of paper that asks whether or not you've ever had any type of metal in your body (from eye penile--whatever THAT is-- to tattooed eye make-up). I was literally praying while in the machine that I did not have some foreign metal in my body that I was unaware of. I could just picture something ripping out of my body mid-MRI and magnetizing to the inside of the tube. Over-dramatic much?

Irritating - I was very thankful they gave me earphones because that machine sounds like it's about to take off or blow up. Not only that, but there is nothing to look at while inside. I saw where someone or something scraped the paint off on the inside and kept staring at it for 25 minutes thinking... "Surely, it's been at least 5 minutes right?" I think I will invent some sort of plastic television screen that wouldn't interfere with the scan to place on the inside or some kind of TV goggles to let people watch a movie while they are laying their restricted and bored for half an hour.

Okay, so that was really over-dramatic. I have my moments. It really wasn't that bad. I had a few moments where my anxiety was about to get the best of me, but I just started quoting Scripture and breathing deep. God was good to me. We will find out the results of the MRI in the next week or so. I will meet with the neurosurgeon, Dr. Shiflett, on November 9th.

I met with the doctor at the Maternal/Fetal Medicine department at UMMC before going over to have my MRI. They did another sonogram to check him out and said he is developing perfectly. He weighs approximately 1lb 15oz so far and right on track. They mentioned that he was breech but I'm pretty sure after that MRI he had flipped because he was moving like a mad man in that machine! (Hopefully the technicians were able to get the images they need with a squirm-er like him!)

I guess an upside to having a baby with a medical defect is you get lots and lots of pictures! :)

Why does Spina Bifida Awareness matter?

Spina Bifida Awareness Fundraiser!

October is spina bifida awareness month! I cannot even begin to explain to you how much I have learned about it in the past week. I created a t-shirt design to sell to raise money for baby Ezekiel, but most importantly to raise awareness about this birth defect. I want to shout it from the rooftops how strong and beautiful every person born with spina bifida is... because GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES! It even has a little shout out to Ezekiel on the back. Did you catch it? God Will Strengthen!!!!

Help spread the word like wildfire! :) Campaign ends October 5!

https://www.booster.com/god-doesnt-make-mistakes

Front:

Back:

Never Tell a Secret to a Three Year Old!

Okay, so Keith and I had already decided this pregnancy that we would not find out the sex of the baby. Keith never wanted to find out with any of ours, but I was persistent, and then we came to a compromise. I told him once we had a boy and a girl that we would not find out what the next baby would be. Well, when we found out that this baby had spina bifida, that changed for me. I felt like it would be really helpful for me to go ahead and find out since we would be having so many ultrasounds and so I could better pray for him/her. Keith still wanted to be left in the dark so I found out and he did not. Fast forward to yesterday afternoon. For some brilliant reason, I spilled the beans to our three year old, Elijah. At dinner last night when I was telling Keith that Elijah had prayed for his baby brother/sister and the hole in his/her back, Elijah promptly and very confidently said, "No. Baby _________ (insert sex of the baby)!!!" Keith got a smirk on his face and then admitted that he knew. Apparently he had seen some certain reproductive organs when Dr. Bofill was examining the baby on Thursday. Moral of the story: Never look at the ultrasound and NEVER tell your three year old if you want to keep the sex of your baby a surprise!

If you don't want to be surprised come January, just take a look at this video: BOY or GIRL?

Hey Sweet Baby, It's Your Mom Again:

Guess what? Today I got to see you on TV not once but TWICE! Mommy has been to the doctor three times in the past two days to learn more about you and how you are growing. We found out some more information about you today, but in October we will have more answers. Your doctors are very sound and know what they are talking about. They are going to do an MRI to check you out even more on October 15. I first saw Dr. Perry and then he referred me to Dr. Bofill at UMMC. He took a good look at your brain and noticed that he could not find some parts that should be there. He said you may have a disgenesis of your corpus callosum which could signify that the part of your brain that sends signals from the left to right is missing. We will know more in October when they do the MRI though. He also measured the fluid in your brain and said that it was measuring at 11. He said it should never be over 10 but that as long as it did not get up to 15, we should not be too concerned. This is normal in babies with spina bifida. It just means that you will need to get a shunt put in your brain to drain any excess fluid that collects there. He also measured the opening of your spine and where the neural elements and tissue bulge out. He said it is about 6 vertebrae long and is very low on your back about equal to where your hip bones are. The lower, the better, he says!

I write all this so that I can remember what all went on these past two days and to let you know that you are being taken care of. However, I want to remind you and myself that our hope is not in the hands of these physicians, however skilled and intelligent they may be! Here is mommy's journal entry from September 2, 2015 (God has seriously been speaking to me things prior to when I need them and then bringing them up for me to read days/weeks later. He is so good!):

_____________________________________

2 Chronicles 16:7b-9,12 
"At that time Hanani the seer came to Asa king of Judah and said to him, 'Because you relied on the King of Aram and not on the Lord your God, the army of the King of Aram has escaped from your hand. Were not the Cushites and Libyans a mighty army with great numbers of chariots and horsemen? Yet when you relied on the Lord, He delivered them into your hand. For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him. You have done a foolish thing, and from now on you will be at war.' In the thirty-ninth year of his reign Asa was diseased in his feet, and his disease became severe. Yet even in his disease he did not seek the Lord, but sought help from physicians."

Lord, in illness, in peace, in times of hardship, in times of plenty:

MAY I ALWAYS BE FULLY COMMITTED TO YOU. Completely relying on You!

I pray that where this baby in my womb is concerned that I would seek YOUR help and my reliance would not be on physicians. I believe physicians have a place and I praise You for them, but help me not to put them on the pedestal where only You belong. 

Thank You for what You have done for me, God. I know the strength of my enemies and any illness is weakness in light of You being on my side.

_______________________________________

So there you have it, sweet baby. You are in exactly the spot that God created you to be, and as I said in my previous letter, I am HONORED to be your mom! I read today in a news article from the beginning of this year that 68% of babies with spina bifida are aborted my their moms. I feel SO privileged that God has given you to me. You are a special gift with a special calling, and I cannot wait to see you fulfill it!

Honored and humbled beyond measure,

Your Mom


Here are some pictures from today:

21 weeks pregnant!

 

Our first stop was Dr. Perry's office:

 Then daddy got a little sleepy waiting in Dr. Bofill's office:

Here you are, my little  mover and shaker!

To My Sweet Baby:

Today was the day of my ultrasound. Before I share my letter I wrote to my child after my doctor's appointment today, I will share some journal entries I have written in the past couple of weeks about him/her:

September 11, 2015
5 more days until my sonogram.

No matter what the results are, I have to remind myself: GOD LOVES ME. Nothing He does is out of hatred or meanness. EVERYTHING He does is for my ultimate good.

No matter what the results are, the child in my womb is a BLESSING, not a CURSE.

Satan, I will not question God's character: His goodness, love, and faithfulness.
I WILL NOT.

God continually puts on my heart to pray that this baby would be fearless. I know that he/she will be - whatever that means.

Then I wrote the lyrics to this song:

_____________________________________________________________________

September 16, 2015 5:30AM

Well, today is the day. Today I get to see my baby and the doctor will diagnose whether or not there is something wrong.... No, it won't be something "wrong" because God is the One forming him/her and HE DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES. Sure, He never desired defects to exist, but now they do because of sin. However, He allows them and uses them for MY greater good: personal growth and sanctification. I go to this appointment with much anticipation, not fearful anticipation, but EXPECTANT anticipation. I am excited to see what God has in store for us and outr gift that He has given us. 

Do I want Him to give me a healthy baby like the first two? OF COURSE.

Do I believe that He could/would? OF COURSE.

But, ultimately, I surrender myself and my fleshly desires to desire and want what He HAS for me.

______________________________________________________________________

September 16, 2015 6:55PM

My sweet baby, today we saw you on a big TV screen. The nurse began to look at you and when she got to your brain and spine, she called for the doctor. We had been told that some of mommy's hormones were not what they should be and that you may have a neural tube defect. Well, you do. Dr. Wolfe confirmed today that you have spina bifida. Spina bifida means that you have an opening in your spine. Dr. Wolfe said he was very optimistic that with a c-section and surgery you will be just fine! We will get to see you again tomorrow when mommy goes to a special doctor that will help you even more. 

I didn't cry when the doctors told us about your condition, and I still haven't. I feel great peace. I was reminded today of the first gift you received. Your sweet Aunt Anna gave it to me when you had only been in mommy's belly for a few weeks:

You truly are fearfully and wonderfully made! God has made you and He does not make mistakes. I feel honored to be your mom and can't wait to hold you and take care of you. I pray that you stay safe and cozy where you are and that the Holy Spirit ministers to you even while in mommy's tummy.

I found where I had written in my Bible on July 2, 2015 next to Psalm 22:9-11 ... "Prayer for Baby Dalton #3"

Psalm 22:9-11 says "Yet you brought me out of the womb, you made me trust in you even at my mother's breast. From birth I was cast upon you, from my mother's womb you have been my God. Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help."

God has prepared me for you. You are such a gift. See you tomorrow on TV!

-Your mom

_______________________________________________________________________

I will update on what our specialist says in the morning. For now, I leave you with one more song that has been in my spirit:

God Knows Better than Google

It has been an exhausting and emotional few weeks. From financial struggles to Abigail, my two-year old, deciding that sleeping through the night was not "her thing" anymore to news today about Baby Dalton in my womb..... I am one hormonal and mentally and physically fatigued woman.

I'll explain the news I received today by copying my journal entry I wrote down after receiving the call from my nurse, but first I will preface it with what I wrote on May 28, 2015, when I was only four weeks along:

"5-28-15
What do I want from God for this baby? Do I want a perfectly healthy baby or one with challenges that will draw me closer to God? I want whatever will bring me closer to God.
ULTIMATELY.
And I want my baby to love God and His Word more than anything."


"August 28 2015 (18 weeks pregnant!)
Just got a call from Dr. Wolfe's nurse telling me that my blood test came back abnormal. They basically test your hormones for Trisonomy 19, 21 and neural tube defects. Well, my chances have gone up from 1 in 10,000 to 1 in 208 for a neural tube defect. She said our options were to do an amniocentesis or a really thorough ultrasound. She said it was something that needed to be found out prior to delivery because it will affect how I deliver. I've really felt all along that this baby would be different, that God was going to stretch me in ways He had never stretched me before FOR HIS GLORY. My first and foremost desire is to bring Him glory and become more like Him. If having a baby with neural tube defects is the method He has chosen for us, LORD prepare me and help me to accept this precious gift of a baby (abnormalities and all) with open arms and a heart of gratitude. You are worthy of our praise and Your goodness does not depend on our circumstances."

....

So there you have it. I know that blood tests are known to be inaccurate and create false positives all the time. I also know that God never intended for babies to be born with defects. Due to the fallen nature of sinful man, and death entering the world through sin, abnormalities and defects happen, BUT GOD IS SOVEREIGN. I will have my comprehensive ultrasound on September 16. Prayers are appreciated and welcome.

I felt a complete peace when I hung up the phone with the nurse, but then I allowed my mind to wander and began to Google "neural tube defects." That was a mistake. I know from experience that God has way more to say to my spirit than Google could ever conjure up. Only in Him will I find peace.

Family prayer over my belly after getting the news.

For those who don't know, Keith never wanted to find out the sex of any of our babies, but I was insistent. However, I did promise him that once we had a boy and a girl that the next baby would be a surprise. We are not finding out the sex of this baby but we both have a gut feeling that I am carrying a girl. This was my journal post from July 12, 2015:

"Psalm 66:8 - Those living far away fear your wonders; where morning dawns and evening fades you call forth songs of joy.

- Moriah Joy-"

I've known for a while that I wanted to name my next daughter "Moriah." Mount Moriah in the Bible is where Abraham went up to sacrifice his son, Isaac, to the Lord and also where Solomon built the temple of the Lord. Then, one of my dear friends texted me one day and asked if I ever thought of the name "Joy" for a girl. I immediately knew that "Moriah Joy" it was. It is a constant reminder that sacrificing my children to the Lord, giving back to Him what He has so sweetly given me, is JOYFUL. I do not yet know if this baby is "Moriah Joy," but regardless, I know that God's hand is so sensitively and wonderfully forming my preborn baby. His are the most skilled and trustworthy hands in the world. I will trust and boast in Him alone!

 7 week ultrasound

17 week ultrasound

I'll leave you with one of my favorite songs by Shane & Shane with a John Piper message mixed in. It'll be on repeat in my household for a while:

When God Awakens You to Weep

So I prayed last night at the church gathering at our house that God would give us a desire for His Word. I put Abigail down to bed late and didn't get into bed, myself, until around 11 but I had a desire to read the Word before I went to bed. I read some in my daily Bible reading and a few other verses and then fell asleep. I just woke up from an intense dream. The kind where you are crying in your dream and you wake up to realize you are literally crying. I woke up praying and weeping asking God to save people's souls. There were a few particular people in my dream but when I woke up so many people rushed into my head and I began to pray for them as I wept. It's on my heart so big to encourage people to work out their salvation with fear and trembling. Salvation is not something we conjure up ourselves by going to a church building or praying every now and then. Salvation is a work of transformation done only by the Holy Spirit. Oh, I pray God brings us to our knees in humility and repentance. The time is drawing near where we will see how truly narrow the way is and how few truly find it. May we fall on our faces before the Righteous and Holy God before time is out.

Hebrews 3:13 "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."

Sin is so deceitful. Even as Christians, we justify our sin and keep it hidden in our pockets as our secret admirer. This cannot be.

1 John 2:3-6 "We know that we have come to know Him if we obey His commands. The man who says 'I know Him,' but does not do what He commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys His Word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in Him: Whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did."

I pray that the Lord spiritually awakens the Church from their slumber and complacent Christian lives and that He continues to literally wake me up weeping for the lost. There is nothing like having a hunger for His Word and being used by Him for His glory! That is the only thing that matters in this life.

Preparing for Persecution

So I know I got off Facebook and started this blog because I sincerely think Facebook is stupid, but I must admit I occasionally get on Keith's Facebook just to browse. Well, when I was on there a few days ago, I ran across an article that someone posted as their status that had a picture with it. I didn't read the article, just the title and the picture were enough. It was a picture of bloody and battered children with the caption "Islamic terrorists rape, behead, and torture Christian children." Do I even need to explain how far my heart sank after seeing that? Then it hit me again: This is coming to America. (I have already written about this once. Find the post here )

It is very clear in the Bible that as followers of Christ we WILL suffer persecution:

2 Timothy 3:12  "In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted..."

Philippians 1:29 "For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for Him..."

Before we get all up in arms about God "granting us" to suffer, let's remember something amazing about our God: He is not a God who expects us to suffer for Him without first suffering Himself!

Isaiah 53:3 "He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem."

For the longest time in our Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, this suffering has consisted of people not liking us or rejecting us because we speak the Truth. It leads me to question how we American Christians will respond when the "They hurt my feelings"-persecution turns into physical suffering-persecution. The thing is, if we know it's coming, WE NEED TO PREPARE OURSELVES.

So, how can we prepare ourselves for something horrible happening not just to us, but also to our children, family members, and people we love, because of our faith?

There's really only one answer to that question in my opinion: Growing deeper in our relationship with God through reading, meditating on, and memorizing God's Word and prayer. (Note to self: watching television and browsing Instagram or Facebook didn't make the cut!)

2 Timothy 3:16-17 "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be THOROUGHLY EQUIPPED for EVERY GOOD WORK."    <Suffering for our faith is good work. This verse says it plain and simple: How can we prepare for suffering and persecution? The Word of God makes us thoroughly equipped!>

Now, just some comfort for those whose minds have gone to the heart-wrenching thought of your own children or loved ones being raped, beaten, or beheaded for the faith. I know when I initially saw the picture, I automatically pictured Abigail and Elijah as one of those children, and it's not a place I want my mind to wander. We can so easily allow fear to overwhelm us when we let our minds roam to what persecution will look like in America. Take heart, there is NO ROOM for fear of man or the future in the heart of a Christian! Here are some Scriptures to put your mind at ease. (These are also great Scriptures to memorize in order to prepare yourself in lieu of physical persecution. Hint, Hint!)

Romans 8:35-37 "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

1 John 4:18 - "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

Philippians 1:27-28 "Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come to see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved - and that by God."

Friends, whatever happens, let's stand in the face of opposition without any fear! What a powerful testimony that brings to those who hate and mock our God and wish to cause harm to our bodies! I want nothing more than to be prepared and ready, full of the Holy Spirit and the Word of God, to look persecution boldly in the face without fear! It can be done by His power working in us!



How are you spending your day? Do you take the most time out of your day growing deeper in your relationship with God? Are you equipping yourself for every good work (including persecution) daily by reading, meditating on, and memorizing the Word of God? When physical persecution comes to America (and also when you get to heaven) you will be glad to you did!

Why I Am Not Waiting Until "The Safe Zone" to Announce My Pregnancy

Well the cats out of the bag, folks! If you didn't get it from the title of this blog post....
Yours truly is PREGNANT!

As many of you know, Gideon's due date was on Monday. Well, I did not find out I was pregnant on Monday, but God did something even more special for me than allowing me to find out I was expecting on that day. I actually took the pregnancy test yesterday morning. Because we do natural family planning, I knew the date that we conceived this month. Any guesses as to the date we conceived?

MY BIRTHDAY! That's right, the Lord gave me a birthday present in the form of a precious child in my womb that I have been desiring! I am approximately 4 weeks along and due the end of January!

When I saw that the pregnancy test said positive, I couldn't believe my eyes! Keith was sound asleep so I decided to wait until he woke up to inform him of the good news. I went into the kitchen and began to journal, read my Bible, and thank God for the gift He had given me. Many emotions began to surface: joy, elation, hope, worry, and fear, to name a few. It is only natural for the thought of losing this baby to come into my mind, but I have decided to take that thought captive with the Truths of Scripture. The main one being:

This baby that He has given me is ultimately His to do with as He pleases. His Name deserves praise regardless of whether His plan for this pregnancy is to give and keep giving, or to give and take away. 

I made this card for Keith to open when he woke up. He was shocked and is thrilled beyond belief!

Now, allow me to answer the question that will pop into many of your heads when I tell you that I am pregnant. Your internal dialogue probably would go something like this:

"Ohh... Congrats... But are you sure you want to tell people so soon this time?"

Why yes, yes I do. Let me list the reasons why:

1.There is life in my womb. God has given me another child!!!

2. Point number 1 is worth shouting from the rooftops and sharing with every friend, family member, and acquaintance! Sure, I do not know how long this baby will live, but that goes for you, me, and my children that have been born. I do not know how much more time I will have with Elijah and Abigail either, but you can bet I am going to celebrate that I have them now and am going to soak in all the time God gives me with them on this earth!

I want to do the same with the tiny, growing baby in my womb, and I'd love for you to come alongside me. Join me in celebrating this new life that God is knitting together for His glory!

Today was Gideon's due date.

May 18, 2015. It's more than just another date on the calendar to me today.

Today was Gideon's due date.

Today I grieve a baby I never got to feel, or hold, or hear. But most importantly, I give praise to the God of the Universe who is gently leading me.

When days of sorrow come and I think to myself, "I want more than anything to hold my baby in my arms"... I am reminded that is not true. What I want more than anything in this world is to be like Jesus, sanctified and set apart. And I praise Him because I know He is working on me, even through the loss of my child, to do just that.

Today is the day of our orientation to become foster parents. I do not know if we will even qualify due to things concerning our current situation, and I really have no idea what the Lord has in store for us, but I am determined to enjoy the journey!


I'll leave you with a poem I wrote (didn't know I was a poet did ya?!):

ON THE CARPET IN THE VANITY

On the carpet in the vanity, 
water gushed as I cried aloud 
to my sleeping husband,
"My water broke!"
And travailed in labor the first night
in our new home.

On the carpet in the vanity,
streams of tears fell
as I looked down at my newborn boy
with feelings of frustration and hopelessness
when he would not latch
and I could not feed him.

On the carpet in the vanity, 
poop flew as my second baby, 
a precious girl, mid-diaper change 
decided to relieve herself,
to her two year old brother's disgust. 

On the carpet in the vanity, 
dirty feet began jumping for joy
when the third pregnancy test
said positive. 

On the carpet in the vanity,
blood began flowing at 12 weeks
as the baby in my womb
beat me to heaven.

On the carpet in the vanity,
I sit wondering if my womb is
somehow broken after months of
negative pregnancy tests.

On the carpet in the vanity,
You are there too.

Take Your Wife to Work Day

For those of you who do not know, my husband owns his own landscaping and lawn care company. (So... if you need lawn work done in the Jackson-Metro area, I know a great guy: Picture Perfect Places) Friday he had a lot of bush trimming jobs and found out early that morning that no one would be able to work with him. Being the helpful wife, I said "Well, I'd work with you, but I have the children." Turns out that his parents had been staying with us that week and were headed back home that morning. They agreed to take the kids home with them so "Take Your Wife to Work Day" had officially begun. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew that whatever it was would be dirty and hot. Yep. I was right times a million.

I learned a lot during that 7 hour workday, and not just how to trim bushes or use loppers to dig up annoying roots or the best method for bagging leaves. I learned how hard of a worker my husband is and how physically taxing his work is... and how much more I need to appreciate him.

The following quotes are common thoughts that would fester in my mind every day after Keith would come home from work. The explanation below is now what will enter my mind if these thoughts come again:

"All he does when he comes home is just lay around."
All I wanted to do on Friday (and all my body NEEDED to do) was lay down. I was SO sore. My arms and legs were tingling. Lawn work does a number on the body, and Keith will now have free reign to rest and relax when he gets home from work.

"He comes home and stays in the bathroom forever."
I found out that it's really hard working without having an accessible bathroom close by. It's not like he can just bang on a client's door and ask to use the little boy's room. Because of this revelation, I will no longer be knocking on the bathroom door urging him to hurry.

"He always gets to eat out for lunch. I don't get to do that."
I cannot begin to tell you how much I anticipated lunchtime while I was working. Not just to fill my growling tummy, but to be able to sit in the air conditioning and relax for an hour is priceless. I cannot over exaggerate how much the sun beats down on you when you are working out there. It's not just hot, it's goodness-gracious-great-balls-of-fire HOT.

I also failed to mention that the air conditioning in his truck has a short and only comes on occasionally, making going to Newk's and enjoying the air conditioning during lunch even cooler (Get it? Even cooler... anyways, moving on....) 

"He never answers my texts or calls."
There is always something else to do out in the yard, whether it be straw to straighten and fluff or another measly weed to pull. It is constant bending over, holding heavy equipment, pulling huge contractor bags across the yard, and the like. I left my phone in the truck the entire time and had no time to check it.

I did take my phone out of the truck to snap this picture of course. ;)

"He always gets to shower and expects that he gets to without asking me first."
Between the dirt, the leaves, the bugs, and the sweat, NO ONE needs a shower more than Keith when he gets home. I was so disgusting after working (pictures below prove this fact!) A long shower will now be a mandate for Keith instead of my grumbling and complaining about him having one.

This is my "Ewww.. I'm dirty" face.

It may look like a tan, but NOPE. That's plain ol' dirt. 

"He never tells me when he'll get home."
Granted, it is a nice to know when he will get home so that dinner can be prepared, but with lawn jobs, especially ones like digging up roots, there is no way to estimate how long it will take to get the job done. No longer will I roll my eyes when his Estimated Time of Arrival is "whenever he finishes the job at hand."

I say all this to encourage the wives out there to give your guy credit. Whether they are out doing sweaty manual labor or sitting behind a desk in an air conditioned building, they are working hard to provide for us and our children. We need to do everything without grumbling or complaining (Philippians 2:14), and give them the respect and appreciation they deserve. Even when we think they don't deserve it, give them grace. I have started singing this old hymn in my head to remind me of the grace I was given when I didn't deserve it. It helps me be gracious to him in my words and actions when I feel like getting annoyed or angry:

Grace, grace God's grace
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within.
Grace, grace God's grace
Grace that is greater than all my sin.

Now, don't get me wrong. Being a stay at home mom is hard work but.....


I think I'll keep my day job. ;)

Sew, Mama, Sew!

So my mom showed me some of the basics of sewing shortly after Abigail was born, and I discovered that I thoroughly enjoy it! I have made a few things here and there since then (almost 2 years ago! Crazy!). It is difficult to find the time to sit at the sewing machine and the room to spread out fabric and patterns but now that the kids are getting older and entertain each other, I'm finding myself having more free time to dedicate to it. (I think that was a terribly long run-on sentence but oh well..)

My mom bought me a sewing machine as an early birthday present so I finally got it out of its box and played around with it. To my husband's embarrassment, I am now an Instagramer. (Follow me @msmomaftergodsownheart) He doesn't like Instagram. He thinks its all hipster and artsy and makes fun of me for it but I like it! :) I was inspired by some of the shops I saw on there that had Mommy & Me outfits. At first I thought about purchasing some but then the lightbulb went on and I was like, "No way! I can make that...."


AND I DID! Introducing Mommy & Me matching skirts. Because, seriously, when you have a daughter THIS cute, you gotta be twinkies!

I used this circle skirt pattern for Abigail's: http://www.danamadeit.com/2008/07/tutorial-the-circle-skirt.html
I used this everyday skirt pattern for mine: http://icandy-handmade.com/2012/07/tutorial-and-pattern-everyday-skirt.html

She didn't have a black shirt so I took one of my old black shirts and made a pattern out of one of her tanks to make her top too. :)

That kissy face and ponytail. How did God allow that much cuteness in one tiny human?!

Elijah took this picture. Future photographer or what?!

I also saw shops on Instagram selling some super cute turban-inspired headbands. I used this video tutorial (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NOZjwwmKuk) to make my scrap fabric from our Mommy & Me skirts into this:

Even Abigail rocks it out! AND she actually kept it on her head for a good half hour!

I made the skirts yesterday during naptime and the headband this morning. Here are a few projects I've made since my debut of sewing after Abigail was born:

I made this T-shirt blanket for Keith a few months ago. I used a lot of his old band shirts that were ripped to shreds and weren't ever going to fit again. I didn't have enough so I threw in some AHA shirts that were stained.

Look at them! Oh, my heart. I made them matching Elmo pajama pants.

...And Elijah a hat. Just kidding! It was a skirt for that chunky monkey below:

Infinity scarf! 

Can't wait to see where my adventure in sewing takes me! If you see a pattern or something on Etsy/Pinterest that you really like, let me know! Would love to try to make it for you! :)

... I'm going to leave you with one of my new favorite pictures of Elijah and Abigail. I captured the most precious moment of them in the bathtub together. :) They truly love each other!

It was too cute not to hang in the bathroom! ... Don't mind that wall. I had a madwoman moment and decided to start tearing down wallpaper. This was a few months ago. I guess I also tore off the part of the wall that was supposed to stay there? (oops.) Not to mention all the rest of the walls still have the rad flower wallpaper still attached. Maybe one day I will finish the project I had in my head.... maybe. :)