To My Sweet Baby:

Today was the day of my ultrasound. Before I share my letter I wrote to my child after my doctor's appointment today, I will share some journal entries I have written in the past couple of weeks about him/her:

September 11, 2015
5 more days until my sonogram.

No matter what the results are, I have to remind myself: GOD LOVES ME. Nothing He does is out of hatred or meanness. EVERYTHING He does is for my ultimate good.

No matter what the results are, the child in my womb is a BLESSING, not a CURSE.

Satan, I will not question God's character: His goodness, love, and faithfulness.
I WILL NOT.

God continually puts on my heart to pray that this baby would be fearless. I know that he/she will be - whatever that means.

Then I wrote the lyrics to this song:

_____________________________________________________________________

September 16, 2015 5:30AM

Well, today is the day. Today I get to see my baby and the doctor will diagnose whether or not there is something wrong.... No, it won't be something "wrong" because God is the One forming him/her and HE DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES. Sure, He never desired defects to exist, but now they do because of sin. However, He allows them and uses them for MY greater good: personal growth and sanctification. I go to this appointment with much anticipation, not fearful anticipation, but EXPECTANT anticipation. I am excited to see what God has in store for us and outr gift that He has given us. 

Do I want Him to give me a healthy baby like the first two? OF COURSE.

Do I believe that He could/would? OF COURSE.

But, ultimately, I surrender myself and my fleshly desires to desire and want what He HAS for me.

______________________________________________________________________

September 16, 2015 6:55PM

My sweet baby, today we saw you on a big TV screen. The nurse began to look at you and when she got to your brain and spine, she called for the doctor. We had been told that some of mommy's hormones were not what they should be and that you may have a neural tube defect. Well, you do. Dr. Wolfe confirmed today that you have spina bifida. Spina bifida means that you have an opening in your spine. Dr. Wolfe said he was very optimistic that with a c-section and surgery you will be just fine! We will get to see you again tomorrow when mommy goes to a special doctor that will help you even more. 

I didn't cry when the doctors told us about your condition, and I still haven't. I feel great peace. I was reminded today of the first gift you received. Your sweet Aunt Anna gave it to me when you had only been in mommy's belly for a few weeks:

You truly are fearfully and wonderfully made! God has made you and He does not make mistakes. I feel honored to be your mom and can't wait to hold you and take care of you. I pray that you stay safe and cozy where you are and that the Holy Spirit ministers to you even while in mommy's tummy.

I found where I had written in my Bible on July 2, 2015 next to Psalm 22:9-11 ... "Prayer for Baby Dalton #3"

Psalm 22:9-11 says "Yet you brought me out of the womb, you made me trust in you even at my mother's breast. From birth I was cast upon you, from my mother's womb you have been my God. Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help."

God has prepared me for you. You are such a gift. See you tomorrow on TV!

-Your mom

_______________________________________________________________________

I will update on what our specialist says in the morning. For now, I leave you with one more song that has been in my spirit:

God Knows Better than Google

It has been an exhausting and emotional few weeks. From financial struggles to Abigail, my two-year old, deciding that sleeping through the night was not "her thing" anymore to news today about Baby Dalton in my womb..... I am one hormonal and mentally and physically fatigued woman.

I'll explain the news I received today by copying my journal entry I wrote down after receiving the call from my nurse, but first I will preface it with what I wrote on May 28, 2015, when I was only four weeks along:

"5-28-15
What do I want from God for this baby? Do I want a perfectly healthy baby or one with challenges that will draw me closer to God? I want whatever will bring me closer to God.
ULTIMATELY.
And I want my baby to love God and His Word more than anything."


"August 28 2015 (18 weeks pregnant!)
Just got a call from Dr. Wolfe's nurse telling me that my blood test came back abnormal. They basically test your hormones for Trisonomy 19, 21 and neural tube defects. Well, my chances have gone up from 1 in 10,000 to 1 in 208 for a neural tube defect. She said our options were to do an amniocentesis or a really thorough ultrasound. She said it was something that needed to be found out prior to delivery because it will affect how I deliver. I've really felt all along that this baby would be different, that God was going to stretch me in ways He had never stretched me before FOR HIS GLORY. My first and foremost desire is to bring Him glory and become more like Him. If having a baby with neural tube defects is the method He has chosen for us, LORD prepare me and help me to accept this precious gift of a baby (abnormalities and all) with open arms and a heart of gratitude. You are worthy of our praise and Your goodness does not depend on our circumstances."

....

So there you have it. I know that blood tests are known to be inaccurate and create false positives all the time. I also know that God never intended for babies to be born with defects. Due to the fallen nature of sinful man, and death entering the world through sin, abnormalities and defects happen, BUT GOD IS SOVEREIGN. I will have my comprehensive ultrasound on September 16. Prayers are appreciated and welcome.

I felt a complete peace when I hung up the phone with the nurse, but then I allowed my mind to wander and began to Google "neural tube defects." That was a mistake. I know from experience that God has way more to say to my spirit than Google could ever conjure up. Only in Him will I find peace.

Family prayer over my belly after getting the news.

For those who don't know, Keith never wanted to find out the sex of any of our babies, but I was insistent. However, I did promise him that once we had a boy and a girl that the next baby would be a surprise. We are not finding out the sex of this baby but we both have a gut feeling that I am carrying a girl. This was my journal post from July 12, 2015:

"Psalm 66:8 - Those living far away fear your wonders; where morning dawns and evening fades you call forth songs of joy.

- Moriah Joy-"

I've known for a while that I wanted to name my next daughter "Moriah." Mount Moriah in the Bible is where Abraham went up to sacrifice his son, Isaac, to the Lord and also where Solomon built the temple of the Lord. Then, one of my dear friends texted me one day and asked if I ever thought of the name "Joy" for a girl. I immediately knew that "Moriah Joy" it was. It is a constant reminder that sacrificing my children to the Lord, giving back to Him what He has so sweetly given me, is JOYFUL. I do not yet know if this baby is "Moriah Joy," but regardless, I know that God's hand is so sensitively and wonderfully forming my preborn baby. His are the most skilled and trustworthy hands in the world. I will trust and boast in Him alone!

 7 week ultrasound

17 week ultrasound

I'll leave you with one of my favorite songs by Shane & Shane with a John Piper message mixed in. It'll be on repeat in my household for a while:

When God Awakens You to Weep

So I prayed last night at the church gathering at our house that God would give us a desire for His Word. I put Abigail down to bed late and didn't get into bed, myself, until around 11 but I had a desire to read the Word before I went to bed. I read some in my daily Bible reading and a few other verses and then fell asleep. I just woke up from an intense dream. The kind where you are crying in your dream and you wake up to realize you are literally crying. I woke up praying and weeping asking God to save people's souls. There were a few particular people in my dream but when I woke up so many people rushed into my head and I began to pray for them as I wept. It's on my heart so big to encourage people to work out their salvation with fear and trembling. Salvation is not something we conjure up ourselves by going to a church building or praying every now and then. Salvation is a work of transformation done only by the Holy Spirit. Oh, I pray God brings us to our knees in humility and repentance. The time is drawing near where we will see how truly narrow the way is and how few truly find it. May we fall on our faces before the Righteous and Holy God before time is out.

Hebrews 3:13 "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."

Sin is so deceitful. Even as Christians, we justify our sin and keep it hidden in our pockets as our secret admirer. This cannot be.

1 John 2:3-6 "We know that we have come to know Him if we obey His commands. The man who says 'I know Him,' but does not do what He commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys His Word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in Him: Whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did."

I pray that the Lord spiritually awakens the Church from their slumber and complacent Christian lives and that He continues to literally wake me up weeping for the lost. There is nothing like having a hunger for His Word and being used by Him for His glory! That is the only thing that matters in this life.

Preparing for Persecution

So I know I got off Facebook and started this blog because I sincerely think Facebook is stupid, but I must admit I occasionally get on Keith's Facebook just to browse. Well, when I was on there a few days ago, I ran across an article that someone posted as their status that had a picture with it. I didn't read the article, just the title and the picture were enough. It was a picture of bloody and battered children with the caption "Islamic terrorists rape, behead, and torture Christian children." Do I even need to explain how far my heart sank after seeing that? Then it hit me again: This is coming to America. (I have already written about this once. Find the post here )

It is very clear in the Bible that as followers of Christ we WILL suffer persecution:

2 Timothy 3:12  "In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted..."

Philippians 1:29 "For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for Him..."

Before we get all up in arms about God "granting us" to suffer, let's remember something amazing about our God: He is not a God who expects us to suffer for Him without first suffering Himself!

Isaiah 53:3 "He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem."

For the longest time in our Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, this suffering has consisted of people not liking us or rejecting us because we speak the Truth. It leads me to question how we American Christians will respond when the "They hurt my feelings"-persecution turns into physical suffering-persecution. The thing is, if we know it's coming, WE NEED TO PREPARE OURSELVES.

So, how can we prepare ourselves for something horrible happening not just to us, but also to our children, family members, and people we love, because of our faith?

There's really only one answer to that question in my opinion: Growing deeper in our relationship with God through reading, meditating on, and memorizing God's Word and prayer. (Note to self: watching television and browsing Instagram or Facebook didn't make the cut!)

2 Timothy 3:16-17 "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be THOROUGHLY EQUIPPED for EVERY GOOD WORK."    <Suffering for our faith is good work. This verse says it plain and simple: How can we prepare for suffering and persecution? The Word of God makes us thoroughly equipped!>

Now, just some comfort for those whose minds have gone to the heart-wrenching thought of your own children or loved ones being raped, beaten, or beheaded for the faith. I know when I initially saw the picture, I automatically pictured Abigail and Elijah as one of those children, and it's not a place I want my mind to wander. We can so easily allow fear to overwhelm us when we let our minds roam to what persecution will look like in America. Take heart, there is NO ROOM for fear of man or the future in the heart of a Christian! Here are some Scriptures to put your mind at ease. (These are also great Scriptures to memorize in order to prepare yourself in lieu of physical persecution. Hint, Hint!)

Romans 8:35-37 "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

1 John 4:18 - "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

Philippians 1:27-28 "Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come to see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved - and that by God."

Friends, whatever happens, let's stand in the face of opposition without any fear! What a powerful testimony that brings to those who hate and mock our God and wish to cause harm to our bodies! I want nothing more than to be prepared and ready, full of the Holy Spirit and the Word of God, to look persecution boldly in the face without fear! It can be done by His power working in us!



How are you spending your day? Do you take the most time out of your day growing deeper in your relationship with God? Are you equipping yourself for every good work (including persecution) daily by reading, meditating on, and memorizing the Word of God? When physical persecution comes to America (and also when you get to heaven) you will be glad to you did!

Why I Am Not Waiting Until "The Safe Zone" to Announce My Pregnancy

Well the cats out of the bag, folks! If you didn't get it from the title of this blog post....
Yours truly is PREGNANT!

As many of you know, Gideon's due date was on Monday. Well, I did not find out I was pregnant on Monday, but God did something even more special for me than allowing me to find out I was expecting on that day. I actually took the pregnancy test yesterday morning. Because we do natural family planning, I knew the date that we conceived this month. Any guesses as to the date we conceived?

MY BIRTHDAY! That's right, the Lord gave me a birthday present in the form of a precious child in my womb that I have been desiring! I am approximately 4 weeks along and due the end of January!

When I saw that the pregnancy test said positive, I couldn't believe my eyes! Keith was sound asleep so I decided to wait until he woke up to inform him of the good news. I went into the kitchen and began to journal, read my Bible, and thank God for the gift He had given me. Many emotions began to surface: joy, elation, hope, worry, and fear, to name a few. It is only natural for the thought of losing this baby to come into my mind, but I have decided to take that thought captive with the Truths of Scripture. The main one being:

This baby that He has given me is ultimately His to do with as He pleases. His Name deserves praise regardless of whether His plan for this pregnancy is to give and keep giving, or to give and take away. 

I made this card for Keith to open when he woke up. He was shocked and is thrilled beyond belief!

Now, allow me to answer the question that will pop into many of your heads when I tell you that I am pregnant. Your internal dialogue probably would go something like this:

"Ohh... Congrats... But are you sure you want to tell people so soon this time?"

Why yes, yes I do. Let me list the reasons why:

1.There is life in my womb. God has given me another child!!!

2. Point number 1 is worth shouting from the rooftops and sharing with every friend, family member, and acquaintance! Sure, I do not know how long this baby will live, but that goes for you, me, and my children that have been born. I do not know how much more time I will have with Elijah and Abigail either, but you can bet I am going to celebrate that I have them now and am going to soak in all the time God gives me with them on this earth!

I want to do the same with the tiny, growing baby in my womb, and I'd love for you to come alongside me. Join me in celebrating this new life that God is knitting together for His glory!

Today was Gideon's due date.

May 18, 2015. It's more than just another date on the calendar to me today.

Today was Gideon's due date.

Today I grieve a baby I never got to feel, or hold, or hear. But most importantly, I give praise to the God of the Universe who is gently leading me.

When days of sorrow come and I think to myself, "I want more than anything to hold my baby in my arms"... I am reminded that is not true. What I want more than anything in this world is to be like Jesus, sanctified and set apart. And I praise Him because I know He is working on me, even through the loss of my child, to do just that.

Today is the day of our orientation to become foster parents. I do not know if we will even qualify due to things concerning our current situation, and I really have no idea what the Lord has in store for us, but I am determined to enjoy the journey!


I'll leave you with a poem I wrote (didn't know I was a poet did ya?!):

ON THE CARPET IN THE VANITY

On the carpet in the vanity, 
water gushed as I cried aloud 
to my sleeping husband,
"My water broke!"
And travailed in labor the first night
in our new home.

On the carpet in the vanity,
streams of tears fell
as I looked down at my newborn boy
with feelings of frustration and hopelessness
when he would not latch
and I could not feed him.

On the carpet in the vanity, 
poop flew as my second baby, 
a precious girl, mid-diaper change 
decided to relieve herself,
to her two year old brother's disgust. 

On the carpet in the vanity, 
dirty feet began jumping for joy
when the third pregnancy test
said positive. 

On the carpet in the vanity,
blood began flowing at 12 weeks
as the baby in my womb
beat me to heaven.

On the carpet in the vanity,
I sit wondering if my womb is
somehow broken after months of
negative pregnancy tests.

On the carpet in the vanity,
You are there too.

Take Your Wife to Work Day

For those of you who do not know, my husband owns his own landscaping and lawn care company. (So... if you need lawn work done in the Jackson-Metro area, I know a great guy: Picture Perfect Places) Friday he had a lot of bush trimming jobs and found out early that morning that no one would be able to work with him. Being the helpful wife, I said "Well, I'd work with you, but I have the children." Turns out that his parents had been staying with us that week and were headed back home that morning. They agreed to take the kids home with them so "Take Your Wife to Work Day" had officially begun. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew that whatever it was would be dirty and hot. Yep. I was right times a million.

I learned a lot during that 7 hour workday, and not just how to trim bushes or use loppers to dig up annoying roots or the best method for bagging leaves. I learned how hard of a worker my husband is and how physically taxing his work is... and how much more I need to appreciate him.

The following quotes are common thoughts that would fester in my mind every day after Keith would come home from work. The explanation below is now what will enter my mind if these thoughts come again:

"All he does when he comes home is just lay around."
All I wanted to do on Friday (and all my body NEEDED to do) was lay down. I was SO sore. My arms and legs were tingling. Lawn work does a number on the body, and Keith will now have free reign to rest and relax when he gets home from work.

"He comes home and stays in the bathroom forever."
I found out that it's really hard working without having an accessible bathroom close by. It's not like he can just bang on a client's door and ask to use the little boy's room. Because of this revelation, I will no longer be knocking on the bathroom door urging him to hurry.

"He always gets to eat out for lunch. I don't get to do that."
I cannot begin to tell you how much I anticipated lunchtime while I was working. Not just to fill my growling tummy, but to be able to sit in the air conditioning and relax for an hour is priceless. I cannot over exaggerate how much the sun beats down on you when you are working out there. It's not just hot, it's goodness-gracious-great-balls-of-fire HOT.

I also failed to mention that the air conditioning in his truck has a short and only comes on occasionally, making going to Newk's and enjoying the air conditioning during lunch even cooler (Get it? Even cooler... anyways, moving on....) 

"He never answers my texts or calls."
There is always something else to do out in the yard, whether it be straw to straighten and fluff or another measly weed to pull. It is constant bending over, holding heavy equipment, pulling huge contractor bags across the yard, and the like. I left my phone in the truck the entire time and had no time to check it.

I did take my phone out of the truck to snap this picture of course. ;)

"He always gets to shower and expects that he gets to without asking me first."
Between the dirt, the leaves, the bugs, and the sweat, NO ONE needs a shower more than Keith when he gets home. I was so disgusting after working (pictures below prove this fact!) A long shower will now be a mandate for Keith instead of my grumbling and complaining about him having one.

This is my "Ewww.. I'm dirty" face.

It may look like a tan, but NOPE. That's plain ol' dirt. 

"He never tells me when he'll get home."
Granted, it is a nice to know when he will get home so that dinner can be prepared, but with lawn jobs, especially ones like digging up roots, there is no way to estimate how long it will take to get the job done. No longer will I roll my eyes when his Estimated Time of Arrival is "whenever he finishes the job at hand."

I say all this to encourage the wives out there to give your guy credit. Whether they are out doing sweaty manual labor or sitting behind a desk in an air conditioned building, they are working hard to provide for us and our children. We need to do everything without grumbling or complaining (Philippians 2:14), and give them the respect and appreciation they deserve. Even when we think they don't deserve it, give them grace. I have started singing this old hymn in my head to remind me of the grace I was given when I didn't deserve it. It helps me be gracious to him in my words and actions when I feel like getting annoyed or angry:

Grace, grace God's grace
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within.
Grace, grace God's grace
Grace that is greater than all my sin.

Now, don't get me wrong. Being a stay at home mom is hard work but.....


I think I'll keep my day job. ;)