To My Sweet Baby:

Today was the day of my ultrasound. Before I share my letter I wrote to my child after my doctor's appointment today, I will share some journal entries I have written in the past couple of weeks about him/her:

September 11, 2015
5 more days until my sonogram.

No matter what the results are, I have to remind myself: GOD LOVES ME. Nothing He does is out of hatred or meanness. EVERYTHING He does is for my ultimate good.

No matter what the results are, the child in my womb is a BLESSING, not a CURSE.

Satan, I will not question God's character: His goodness, love, and faithfulness.
I WILL NOT.

God continually puts on my heart to pray that this baby would be fearless. I know that he/she will be - whatever that means.

Then I wrote the lyrics to this song:

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September 16, 2015 5:30AM

Well, today is the day. Today I get to see my baby and the doctor will diagnose whether or not there is something wrong.... No, it won't be something "wrong" because God is the One forming him/her and HE DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES. Sure, He never desired defects to exist, but now they do because of sin. However, He allows them and uses them for MY greater good: personal growth and sanctification. I go to this appointment with much anticipation, not fearful anticipation, but EXPECTANT anticipation. I am excited to see what God has in store for us and outr gift that He has given us. 

Do I want Him to give me a healthy baby like the first two? OF COURSE.

Do I believe that He could/would? OF COURSE.

But, ultimately, I surrender myself and my fleshly desires to desire and want what He HAS for me.

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September 16, 2015 6:55PM

My sweet baby, today we saw you on a big TV screen. The nurse began to look at you and when she got to your brain and spine, she called for the doctor. We had been told that some of mommy's hormones were not what they should be and that you may have a neural tube defect. Well, you do. Dr. Wolfe confirmed today that you have spina bifida. Spina bifida means that you have an opening in your spine. Dr. Wolfe said he was very optimistic that with a c-section and surgery you will be just fine! We will get to see you again tomorrow when mommy goes to a special doctor that will help you even more. 

I didn't cry when the doctors told us about your condition, and I still haven't. I feel great peace. I was reminded today of the first gift you received. Your sweet Aunt Anna gave it to me when you had only been in mommy's belly for a few weeks:

You truly are fearfully and wonderfully made! God has made you and He does not make mistakes. I feel honored to be your mom and can't wait to hold you and take care of you. I pray that you stay safe and cozy where you are and that the Holy Spirit ministers to you even while in mommy's tummy.

I found where I had written in my Bible on July 2, 2015 next to Psalm 22:9-11 ... "Prayer for Baby Dalton #3"

Psalm 22:9-11 says "Yet you brought me out of the womb, you made me trust in you even at my mother's breast. From birth I was cast upon you, from my mother's womb you have been my God. Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help."

God has prepared me for you. You are such a gift. See you tomorrow on TV!

-Your mom

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I will update on what our specialist says in the morning. For now, I leave you with one more song that has been in my spirit: